Little Norman was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’
Little Norman replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’
The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’
Little Norman answered, ‘No, he minded his own farking business.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
UP
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, we polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP!
Oh…one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, we polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP!
Oh…one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Star Wars Quotes
Always wonder why Star Wars' such a hit? My guess would be quotes that sound incredibly dirty out of context:
‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’
‘Control, control! You must learn control!’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
‘She’s gonna blow!’
‘Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’
‘YAHOOOOO! You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home. ‘
“Oh. I thought they smelled bad on the *outside*.’
‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’
‘Control, control! You must learn control!’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
‘She’s gonna blow!’
‘Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’
‘YAHOOOOO! You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home. ‘
“Oh. I thought they smelled bad on the *outside*.’
Almost
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran ov er to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran ov er to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
That's what I said!
Little Norman returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
‘Why?’ asks the father?
‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ‘6′, replies Norman.
‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.
‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”
‘What’s the fucking difference?’ asks the father.
‘That’s what I said!’
‘Why?’ asks the father?
‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ‘6′, replies Norman.
‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.
‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”
‘What’s the fucking difference?’ asks the father.
‘That’s what I said!’
Putting your affairs in order
A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughterleaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughterleaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Friday, January 25, 2008
Mini me
The Chihuahua — who is just a fraction taller than a cola can — was named the world’s smallest hound by the Guinness Book of Records and has finished growing.
Four-year-old Brandy weighs only 2lbs and cannot even BARK as her lungs are too small. Owner Paulette Keller, of Largo, Florida, said: “When I saw her I just fell in love with her.”
Paulette, 53, whose pint-sized pooch has become a hit on US TV, added: “With a dog like this you have to be careful. She can’t even jump on or off anything because her legs are so tiny.”
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Mexican border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
Never trust a gynaecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” the woman says, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” the woman says, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
Welfare
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . you started it.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . you started it.”
You're next...
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
