Monday, March 31, 2008
Hyperinflation in Zimbabwe
Still speaking about the crisis in economy? Don’t worry, nothing is that bad yet! In Zimbabwe you can buy tomatoes on the market for 5 million dollars. This country is in a desperate situation now with 80% unemployment and constantly rising inflation. At the beginning of March the exchange rate 20m for 1 US dollar, now it’s already 40m.
Big reward
A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon.
Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy.
Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy.
Kids
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
“Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
“Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
A guy goes to supermarket
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Cancer cell
Cancer cells can spread through the body in a process known as metastasis. This cancer cell is moving down a pore in a filter. Taken by Cancer Research UK
Advertising Vs Reality
A German website, Pundo3000.com, has conducted a study of 100 different products by comparing the look of the products as shown by the packaging with the actual contents inside the boxes. Quoting the website, which is in German: “All products were purchased, the packaging photographed and the contents prepared and photographed too. All products were then eaten up.” and also: “The purpose of the project is not to discredit any brands or products but to critically compare the packaging advertising with the inside contents”.
More HERE
More HERE
Little Norman and Jenny are in love
Little Norman and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Norman goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Norman bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Norman, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Norman replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’
Again, Norman instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’
Mr. Smith is impressed Norman has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Norman, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’
Norman just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Norman goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Norman bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Norman, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Norman replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’
Again, Norman instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’
Mr. Smith is impressed Norman has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Norman, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’
Norman just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Call girl
Guys make sure you don't do this oversea.
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her….. You know the kind. So he is back in the room and figures, what the hell, give her a call.
“Hello?” the woman says. Man she sounded sexy.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.
We’ll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her….. You know the kind. So he is back in the room and figures, what the hell, give her a call.
“Hello?” the woman says. Man she sounded sexy.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.
We’ll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”
Actual headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
How to remember names
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple’s house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: “Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I’d highly recommend.”
The other man says: “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies: “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the man says.
His friend suggest “The poppy?”
“No, no, no” growls the man.
“You know - the one that is red and has thorns.”
His friend says: “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: “Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I’d highly recommend.”
The other man says: “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies: “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the man says.
His friend suggest “The poppy?”
“No, no, no” growls the man.
“You know - the one that is red and has thorns.”
His friend says: “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Actual stories by Travel agents
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
———-
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
———-
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
———-
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
———-
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
———-
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
———-
I had someone ask for an aisle seats in an airplane so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
———-
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
———-
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
———-
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
———-
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
———-
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
———-
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
———-
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
———-
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
———-
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
———-
I had someone ask for an aisle seats in an airplane so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
———-
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
———-
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
———-
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
———-
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
I don't think so...
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
PM: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
PM: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
PM: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
PM: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
PM: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
PM: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
PM: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
PM: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
PM: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
PM: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so.
Afternoon Quickie
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
Flat tummy
There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?”
The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.”
“Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said.
“Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked.
“Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?”
The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.”
“Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said.
“Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked.
“Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
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