Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Need help here
Can anyone suggest some blog templates for me to change the outlook of my blog? I've been having trouble fishing out templates which allows me to publish all those pictures without getting cut off by the side.
Please do leave comments if any of you helpful soul out there know anything at all.
Cheers.
Please do leave comments if any of you helpful soul out there know anything at all.
Cheers.
Religious Truths
It is important for ALL faiths to recognize these Four Great Religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize the Jews as God’s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
1. Muslims do not recognize the Jews as God’s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Optimism vs Pessimism
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Customer support logs
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Support: “What sort of trouble?”
Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,
Support: “Went away?”
Customer:”They disappeared.”
Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Customer: “Nothing.”
Support: “Nothing?”
Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Support: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Customer: “How do I tell?”
Support: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Support: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Customer: “What’s a monitor?”
Support: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Support: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Customer: ……”Yes, I think so.”
Support: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
Customer: ……”Yes, it is.”
Support: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Customer: ……”Okay, here it is.”
Support: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Customer: “I can’t reach.”
Support: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Customer:”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
Support: “Dark?
Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Support: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Customer:”I can’t.”
Support: “No? Why not?”
Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”
Support: “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Support: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Support: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Support: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Support: “What sort of trouble?”
Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,
Support: “Went away?”
Customer:”They disappeared.”
Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Customer: “Nothing.”
Support: “Nothing?”
Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Support: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Customer: “How do I tell?”
Support: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Support: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Customer: “What’s a monitor?”
Support: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Support: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Customer: ……”Yes, I think so.”
Support: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
Customer: ……”Yes, it is.”
Support: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Customer: ……”Okay, here it is.”
Support: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Customer: “I can’t reach.”
Support: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Customer:”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
Support: “Dark?
Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Support: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Customer:”I can’t.”
Support: “No? Why not?”
Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”
Support: “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Support: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Support: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Support: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
It happened this morning...
I figured I had seen everything there was to see in the men’s room. At least during normal business hours. Apparently this is not the case.
Today, I followed a gentleman into the bathroom and witnessed something completely new to me. In case you were wondering, I followed him by chance, not design. What I mean to say is that I don’t make a habit of following strange men into the bathroom just to see what there is to see. I was just going in there to rinse out my coffee cup.* Now that we’ve cleared that up, on with the story.
He walked in, went directly to the paper towel dispenser, and cranked out a few sheets. It’s pretty narrow in there, so I waited for him to grab the paper towels before trying to sneak past him to the sink. Much to my surprise, he didn’t take the towels and leave. Nor did he blow his nose, or wipe coffee or ketchup off his clothes, or wet it and wash his face…he did none of those things you would normally expect someone to do with a wad of paper towels.
What he did instead was this: He hung a right and headed toward the urinals opposite the sinks and mirrors, where he proceeded to use the paper towels to take out and hold his junk while he pissed.
First off, if your junk is so fucked up that even YOU don’t want to touch it, you might want to look into getting it removed. Or I suppose you could wait a week until it falls off by itself. Either way, I am pretty sure that when you’re at the paper towel stage, it’s clearly not going to get better on its own.
Secondly, there’s the apparent lack of control inherent with this technique. Although he seemed to have it down, there is no way I would be remotely comfortable with it. I think the lack of tactile feedback would adversely affect my aim. It would be like trying to hold a breakfast sausage with an oven mitt. (Obviously, a really big breakfast sausage. Ahem. Anyway.)
I’ll admit, when I saw this novel behavior, I was curious. I grabbed some paper towels myself, and — I am almost ashamed to admit this — I started drying my coffee cup.
What were expecting? I’m not an idiot and I had no desire to spend the rest of my day with pissed on clothes. I was just stalling to see what was going to happen next.
I have many theories about this guy and his untouchable member. First I thought maybe he just had an aversion to water, and didn’t feel like washing his hands. With the paper towel method, he could avoid touching the festering sores and then just open the door with the paper towel on his way out. Obviously, this would be disgusting, but I put nothing past humans in their natural habitat.
That theory, however, was destroyed soon after it was conceived because when he was done he used the paper towel to zip up, then threw it in the garbage before washing his hands.
Actually, that’s pretty much the only theory I had. I still can’t figure it out. If anyone has any other bright ideas as to what was going on here, let me know. People are strange, I know that much.
I think I’m going to start donning one of these before I take a piss, just to see what people do.
Today, I followed a gentleman into the bathroom and witnessed something completely new to me. In case you were wondering, I followed him by chance, not design. What I mean to say is that I don’t make a habit of following strange men into the bathroom just to see what there is to see. I was just going in there to rinse out my coffee cup.* Now that we’ve cleared that up, on with the story.
He walked in, went directly to the paper towel dispenser, and cranked out a few sheets. It’s pretty narrow in there, so I waited for him to grab the paper towels before trying to sneak past him to the sink. Much to my surprise, he didn’t take the towels and leave. Nor did he blow his nose, or wipe coffee or ketchup off his clothes, or wet it and wash his face…he did none of those things you would normally expect someone to do with a wad of paper towels.
What he did instead was this: He hung a right and headed toward the urinals opposite the sinks and mirrors, where he proceeded to use the paper towels to take out and hold his junk while he pissed.
First off, if your junk is so fucked up that even YOU don’t want to touch it, you might want to look into getting it removed. Or I suppose you could wait a week until it falls off by itself. Either way, I am pretty sure that when you’re at the paper towel stage, it’s clearly not going to get better on its own.
Secondly, there’s the apparent lack of control inherent with this technique. Although he seemed to have it down, there is no way I would be remotely comfortable with it. I think the lack of tactile feedback would adversely affect my aim. It would be like trying to hold a breakfast sausage with an oven mitt. (Obviously, a really big breakfast sausage. Ahem. Anyway.)
I’ll admit, when I saw this novel behavior, I was curious. I grabbed some paper towels myself, and — I am almost ashamed to admit this — I started drying my coffee cup.
What were expecting? I’m not an idiot and I had no desire to spend the rest of my day with pissed on clothes. I was just stalling to see what was going to happen next.
I have many theories about this guy and his untouchable member. First I thought maybe he just had an aversion to water, and didn’t feel like washing his hands. With the paper towel method, he could avoid touching the festering sores and then just open the door with the paper towel on his way out. Obviously, this would be disgusting, but I put nothing past humans in their natural habitat.
That theory, however, was destroyed soon after it was conceived because when he was done he used the paper towel to zip up, then threw it in the garbage before washing his hands.
Actually, that’s pretty much the only theory I had. I still can’t figure it out. If anyone has any other bright ideas as to what was going on here, let me know. People are strange, I know that much.
I think I’m going to start donning one of these before I take a piss, just to see what people do.
The Thermos
This is one of my all time favorite jokes:
A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?”
The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”
Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.
So she buys one….
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”
She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”
“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”
“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”
“Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”
Real 911 calls
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
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