Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Top Sarcastic police comments
‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’
‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’
‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’
‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
AND THE WINNER IS….
‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’
‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’
‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’
‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
AND THE WINNER IS….
‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
Difficult wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that fucking map!”
The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that fucking map!”
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Undertaker
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.
“He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years oder than I am.”
“Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?”
“He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years oder than I am.”
“Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?”
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Ugly woman
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”?
The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?”
“No”, he replies “I just can’t believe you got laid twice”!
The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”?
The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?”
“No”, he replies “I just can’t believe you got laid twice”!
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