Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.”
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Wild party
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
”Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times..
”Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times..
Monday, February 4, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Translation
TRANSLATING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish………………………….49.
* Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
* Athletic………………………..No breasts.
* Average looking………………….Moooo.
* Beautiful……………………….Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure……………….On medication.
* Feminist………………………..Fat.
* Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
* Friendship first…………………Former Slut.
* New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
* Open-minded……………………..Desperate.
* Outgoing………………………..Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional…………………….Witch.
* Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
* Large frame……………………..Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate………………….Stalker.
TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
* Yes…………………………….No
* No……………………………..Yes
* Maybe…………………………..No
* We need…………………………I want
* I am sorry………………………You’ll be sorry
* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
* Sure, go ahead…………………..You better not
* Do what you want…………………You will pay for this later
* I am not upset…………………..Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You’re attentive tonight………….Is sex all you ever think about?
TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
* I am sleepy……………………..I am sleepy
* I am tired………………………I am tired
* Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
* I love you………………………Let’s have sex now
* I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?………….I’d like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.
Campaigning, it's important
While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and otherpoliticians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass while the senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before - I mean heaven has been delightful - but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and otherpoliticians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass while the senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before - I mean heaven has been delightful - but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Friday, February 1, 2008
Not understanding English
I had a bunch of foreign notes I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange around my 'hood. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . a Japanese lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .
The Japanese lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .
The Japanese lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.
Understanding English
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, “Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this.”
“The truth is,” replied the politician, “that she has a big mouth.”
“The truth is,” replied the politician, “that she has a big mouth.”
Touring France
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
’You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’
’You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’
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