Yes I know I know, there's lack of posts recently. Please forgive me my dearest readers, I've got a bad bad week and things haven't been running smoothly. So please bear with me while I'll continue to make your day by destroying mine.
May God have mercy on my poor soul. Amen.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucy’ instead of Dave.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucy’ instead of Dave.
Paris' Birthday
Paris Hilton is celebrating her 27th birthday on Sunday.
It will be nice to see her blowing candles for a change.
It will be nice to see her blowing candles for a change.
Glasses
Little Norman’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Norman’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Norman’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Norman told his dad he understood completely. When Norman looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Norman.”
Norman said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Norman, “cuz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses”!
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Norman.”
Norman said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Norman, “cuz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses”!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Alternate meanings
S & M
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Cindy said, “It’s okay. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?”
Sally replied, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S & M.”
Cindy is aghast. “Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing.”
“Oh, sure,” says Sally. “He Snores while I Masturbate.”
Wheelbarrow
After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.
“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.”
Rescue Squad
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Cindy said, “It’s okay. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?”
Sally replied, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S & M.”
Cindy is aghast. “Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing.”
“Oh, sure,” says Sally. “He Snores while I Masturbate.”
Wheelbarrow
After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.
“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.”
Rescue Squad
One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going
Blow Job
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….
“Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
“Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
“Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes……….”
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….
“Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
“Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
“Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes……….”
Friday, February 22, 2008
The day Penis asked for a raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Calibrate your mouse
Is your mouse calibrated?
You should do this every year. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer.
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g.
If it doesn’t work, you might want to clean your mouse.
You dumb ass. You'll believe anything.
You should do this every year. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer.
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g.
If it doesn’t work, you might want to clean your mouse.
You dumb ass. You'll believe anything.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Try this
Copy and paste the html below onto your address bar and press enter.
javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.getElementsByTagName("img"); DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=(Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5)+"px"; DIS.top=(Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5)+"px"}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);
javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.getElementsByTagName("img"); DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=(Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5)+"px"; DIS.top=(Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5)+"px"}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
How evil are you?
I took the test and here is my result:
How evil are you?
I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought surely I’d be a little angelic. I think this test is a fraud.
Take the test
How evil are you?
I’m so disappointed in myself. I thought surely I’d be a little angelic. I think this test is a fraud.
Take the test
Monday, February 18, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Colour matters
There was a navy ship out at sea. The captain saw an enemy ship on the horizon and says “Bring me my red shirt.”
His assistant asked “why?”
“So, if I start bleeding the blood will blend in and you will not distracted.”
The next day there were 40 ships on the horizon and then he said “Bring me my brown pants.”
His assistant asked “why?”
“So, if I start bleeding the blood will blend in and you will not distracted.”
The next day there were 40 ships on the horizon and then he said “Bring me my brown pants.”
The Visit
I stumbled upon this story told by a nurse and was truly touched. True love does exist.
It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30 am, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9.00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, and got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while, and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are ?”
He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
“She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”
It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30 am, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9.00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, and got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while, and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are ?”
He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
“She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.”
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The birds and the bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
Job descriptions in the real world
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Brains
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath —
“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
How to be a happy man
- It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
- It’s important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
- It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
- It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Smartest man in the world
An oldie but a goodie
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ’smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ’smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Hard to find
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.”
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.”
Wild party
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
”Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times..
”Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times..
Monday, February 4, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
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